I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
