Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
