When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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