Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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