Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
