He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
