so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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