I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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