So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
