listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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