It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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