Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
There's always time for handjobs
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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