I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
