the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
