This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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