Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize