Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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