someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
