Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
