if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Randomize
