Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize