did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
