I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
