Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
