I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
