Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
All the doctor said was why
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
