My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
