She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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