i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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