I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
