do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
