I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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