I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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