I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
