you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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