bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
