Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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