Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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