At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
