No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
