I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
It's like God shit irony all over that family
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
