You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
