i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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