this beer tastes like vomit already
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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