Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
