my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
