i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize