I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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