very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
