Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
