Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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