1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
