Michael Bay diarrhea
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
