Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
