Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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