My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
