my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
