It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
