I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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